Starcrossed
by Bunnylass
Summary: Songfic. AU. Set in 'Darkest Hour' Jesse comes face to face with a glowing Suze in the shadowland. But what happens if Jesse decides he doesn't want to return to his previous life with Susannah...


_**Disclaimer:**_ The Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot. I just like throwing heartbreaking scenario's at them **:) **And the song doesn't belong to me either** :)**

_**Rating:**_ T

**_Summary: _**Songfic. AU, as from the beginning scene of Suze and Jesse meeting in the Shadowland.

**_A/N: _**This is just something I had to get out of my system. I couldn't sleep last night and this idea came to me. And the song just happened to be perfect for it **:D** I hope you enjoy.

Might need tissues!

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**_Starcrossed..._**

I want to be dreaming. And I can almost believe I am. Because there seems no other reason for what I was seeing. No explanation for why I am imagining the girl I love, standing before me and shrouded in an aura, only given to the spirit. Standing before me in a fog covered hallway, with the unknown surrounding us on all sides. The dark oppressive silence pulling me down further than I am ready to be. Taking me away from her more with each second that passes by. I am so desperate to be living a nightmare, and not believing she has fallen into the same fate, I have been trying to keep her from plunging into. Not Susannah.

She's looking back at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something in reponse. But I don't know what to say to her. And I can't seem to make a clear thought. For a time long since passed it seemed, I have been waiting. Waiting for the next step of my journey, I had been sent on. To take me where ever it is I am supposed to be, after I was brought here. Where I was sent unwillingly. Ripped and forced away from the home I have known for the past hundred and fifty years. The haven I have come to believe was to protect Susannah and myself. Forced from a life I hadn't chosen. But not given the consent to be taken from either.

And in that time that has drifted by unnoticed, I have come to realize many things. A cold harsh clarity and vision, of making me see the life I had been living alone for so long, that was breached and overwhelmed with Susannah. Of the last few months and the dangerous, teetering ledge I had been standing on. Sentiments and thoughts I am now going to have to face, whether I chose to accept them or not. Because that is the way it has to be. The life and fate, I have to lead. There is no more running and denying it to myself. There is nothing and nowhere left for me to go.

And it breaks my heart and soul to have had to have found out that way. To have to come face to face with the inevitable fate and declaration, that is the last courageous stance, I have been granted with. My final chance to do and say what is right.

"Susannah," I breathed, my voice choked with a question I somehow managed to force out on a heady phantom air. "What are you doing here? Are you – you're not – " I prayed with all I could, for the truth standing before me, to be a lie. That after everything we had been through and all that I had come to realize; that this was how it was really going to end.

Susannah smiled back at me a little nervously. "Dead?" She said, her tone shaken. "No, no, of course not. You can't get rid of me that easily, no matter how much Diego might have tried. No, I came up here to find you, Jesse," She quickly rushed out. But her smile was faltering and wavering the more she spoke and looked back at me. I could see doubt shooting through her eyes at my sad and dejected expression being given to her. "I came to see if this is where you really want to be. Because you know, if you want to, you can come back with me. To earth, with me. Now." She rushed on regardless.

I had once thought Susannah to be the one to have sent me to such a prison and fate. That she was the one that had taken my choice out of my hands and decided to push me along quicker than I wanted. But with my new sense of clarity and the painful realizations to have come with it; it no longer mattered to me, who sent me here and why.

_Behold this night, still and clear  
You look here just like an angel sleeping  
I wish I could ease your fears  
I would catch the diamond tears you're weeping  
In your eyes I would hide  
By your side I could defy  
The forces tearing us apart  
But reality, as it seems  
Looking back, is that our dream  
Was fated from the start_

Unable to bare the questioning glance Susannah was shooting me. Or the sudden fears marring her beautiful face, I ducked my head. A fruitless try at hoping to find some semblance of a right thought. Of something to say, that wasn't going to sound ungrateful or more painful to Susannah, for the sacrifice she has obviously gone to, to try and find me. Offering me a second chance, that made me want to smile and laugh with relief. To try and take me back to the life, I know I can no longer return to. No matter how much my heart is crying out to take Susannah's hand and let her lead me back to the half-life, filled even more with sacrifices Susannah is taking, just to have me by her side.

To the existence, I can't bare to watch now.

Taking a deep, un-felt breath, I eventually raise my head and look Susannah in the eye again. My own gaze and expression saying and telling, of what I have yet to voice. Of the deep pain searing me, I hope she can see I am having to go through. All the while, knowing it's going to be just as hard for Susannah, once my final task has been complete. Once I have fulfilled my unfinished business. Leaving her to have to pick up the pieces of what is left behind.

I shake my head minutely, barely enough for it to have been seen. But I know Susannah didn't miss it. She never does.

"_Querida_ . . ." I whispered to her. Even though it felt more like a shout, for all the impact they had on Susannah standing before me. "I can't return with you," I watched, my heart splintering and breaking as Susannah absorbed the brunt of my barely spoken words. They resounded back to us in the murky and cruel darkness, slithering around us. The only reprieve is the millions of stars shining down above us. Offering their silent support, but which only make me want to close my eyes and wish for the pain to be taken away from Susannah.

She flinched as she took them in. Her shaking hands rising to push some hair out of her eyes, before falling weightless to her side. Absently fiddling with the rope tied around her waist. Her eyes searching my own for some kind of punch line. For something else, to help take away the truth in my short statement. Trying to find the reason of the statement, she wasn't expecting to hear or feel so strongly. Looking for there to be a myth to the cause. Before she finally asks, unable to find what she is so desperately seeking within my soul.

"I don't understand," She said, her voice shaking and begging to be flooded with strength and courage to hear my reasons. "Why?"

_Girl we're star-crossed and can't escape  
We're condemned and can only wait  
At this time now it's far too late  
To save us from our fate_

_'Because I love you,_' is the first reason to come to my mind at her bewildered and hurt question. Thrown at me, with the force of a full blown punch to my heart. I knew, that if there was ever a chance to see Susannah again, that this was to be expected. But I didn't believe it to hurt as much, as watching Susannah have so much inflicted on her, in such a short amount of time.

I bit back on the truth before it had a chance to be spoken to the air seperating us. I have many reasons I could give to Susannah and to tell her. Ones I could rattle off and watch as she absorbed each one. Letting her come up with silent arguments against each one of them. I hold many beliefs I have been pondering in my time here. At the realizations to have come to me, when I had been in wait for a reprieve to come. Waiting for the new chance to return back to where I wanted to be. Or waiting for a new path to be taken. Unknowing of what was to come to me as every different scenario came to my mind. I had been given too much time to think.

And there had been the beginning of my end.

I had wished with all I could send out and believe in, just to see Susannah again. To be able to gaze into her shimmering green eyes and see the power that lay dormant in her heart. To feel the compassion and warmth she exuded to me, without being aware she was. I wanted to feel the heat of her love, she unwittingly showed to me, without conscious thought. I begged to be able to witness and feel the burn of her hate and anger at her gift, when it seemed there was no other options left. When it seemed fate had dealt her a bad hand and she was suffering for sins, she had yet to commit.

When she had looked at me, knowing fate had brought us together, but kept us apart.

And it was this last thought, that had brought me to my unfounded and unwanted clarity. It was the time I had been given, that drifted by in loneliness and a cold hard truth, that made me look deeper into what it was I would be returning too. Into the life I would be making Susannah let pass her by and deny herself of. Watching as she looked upon the world, as disconnected as I have been for so long. Given the chance to participate, but held back; because of me.

All, to just end up knowing that it would all be for nothing. That it was just going to all collapse, into a life of bitterness, anger and sorrow for us both. A life I couldn't bare for Susannah to have to face and walk in alone. Myself by her side, but just out of reach to her.

And that maybe, this was the way it was supposed to really end for us both.

_I'll remain in your hold  
Body, mind, heart and soul  
As long as I breathe  
Though consequence takes its toll  
All is out of our control  
That's how it will be  
So close your eyes my young bride  
Listen to me one last time  
There's something I have to say  
When your faith turns to despair  
Always will my love be there  
And never fade away_

Before I could think of the consequences or the pain it would bring to us both, I took a step towards Susannah. Cutting away our distance that held us in its stead, until there was barely enough room between us. Willingly stepping into her personal space, to look down into the eyes that held defiance, stubbornness and a heart that was trying to stay whole. Trying to protect and not take in what I was declaring to her. But was crumbling the longer the silence stretched on between us.

I reached out and took Susannah's hands in my own. Gazing down at the image of her smaller, softer palms laid a top of mine. Susannah's much smaller and delicate, compared to my larger more weathered hands. Before I slowly curled my long fingers around Susannah's. Holding them to me and accepting some of the strength she beheld. Using it to guide me and help Susannah, get past this last specific moments between us. Letting it soothe and run over my pain and clouded mind at being given a final wish, of being given this very real chance to hold Susannah again. The aching calm to overtake my senses, was thrust through to take a firm hold.

"Jesse," I looked up at Susannah. My name spoken with such a gentle request, that for a second I almost wished I wasn't going to have to do what must be done. But it didn't take root. Her eyes pleaded for some understanding to be given to her. Appealing to me, not to make her ask again. Telling me to make her accept my reasons, so she doesn't have to plead with me. Because that is one thing I know Susannah would never do. She would never beg for me to stay with her. She wouldn't voice the screaming echos in her heart.

"Because," I said in reply at long last. Finally finding some words and vision, that seemed wrong and insignificant to what I was giving up, letting go and moving on from. "I can't let you sacrifice anymore than you already have for me. I have no right to ask that of you, Susannah. I can never live with myself, knowing I didn't try and stop you," Breaking off, I injected as much power and strength behind my next words, as possible. "I _won't_ let you."

"But isn't that my choice?" She quietly asked, holding onto my hands with a grip all her own. Hanging on, for that last trace of control that was trying to pull us both apart. It was as close to begging, as Susannah would reach. And it tore me apart to hear it spoken anyway. Still, she tried one last time. Just like I expected of her. I hated that it had to end this way for us both. For Susannah to be so far away from home. The only saving grace I could find, was that I was even given the opportunity to tell her. That I wouldn't leave, without her knowing how I truly felt. To be able to see her eyes and say the last pledge, I have been waiting to speak for a lifetime.

"Susannah," I smiled affectionately, letting go of one of her hands and allowing it to drift to her. Cupping her soft face in my hand. Feeling strands of her silky soft hair, fall across the back of my hand. Like a feather brushing away the pain. My thumb tracing small circles on the smooth beauty of the girl, who allowed me to love her for a short while. Who gave me the opportunity, to feel one last time. Who's featherlight touch, fluttered across my heart and touched my soul. "I can't do that to you," I continued, my voice trailing off. "Please . . . don't ask that of me."

_Girl we're star-crossed and can't escape  
We're condemned and can only wait  
At this time now it's far too late  
To save us from our fate  
You can't save us  
You can't save us_

I watched entranced as Susannah bit down on her lower lip. Closing her eyes against the truth of my words and my own silent pleading, spoken to her. Knowing she never would ask that of me. I felt and heard Susannah taking in a shuddering breath and holding it. Leaning into my touch and warming my heart. Allowing my thumb to trace over the lip she had just crushed to stop the affliction.

Opening her sparkling eyes, Susannah looked up at me with tears quickly gathering beneath her thick eye-lashes. Unashamedly opening up to me and showing me everything she has always tried to keep hidden and away from me. Releasing it to be on show for my eyes only. For the first and the last time. Allowing me to witness the strength of her emotion, that I found ran just as deep through Susannah, as it has always been through me. A love that would leave an mark on a heart and soul, no matter who you meet and love in a lifetime.

The kind of love that was unconditional and never asked for anything, but the depth you give back in return.

I accepted everything she was giving me. Taking it all in and wrapping it around my own wounded and broken spirit. Knowing there was no way for me to witness it again in this lifetime. That I would never have the chance to give it back to Susannah again. But I wanted her to feel what I had for her. To be as swept away and overwhelmed by it, as I felt. For her to know these last few months, would never be forgotten. Nor would I ever ask for it to taken away from me.

She was more than a stranger, who walked into my life and brought forth a whole slew of old and new sensations, never experienced in someone before. But rather, she was the girl who gave me a deep trust, when there was no reason or evidence for it. Who allowed me to witness her weaknesses and fears, and yet didn't shy away from my own.

She was who accepted me, like no other had done before her.

"So," Susannah murmured, almost disbelievingly. "is this it? Am I never going to see you again?" Unable to stop the wry smile to come to my face, I brushed away a tear that had managed to escape. Wiping it away before the others joined in the assault.

"Yes," I replied soothingly. My calm understanding overtaking my sorrow for what I was feeling, and for the pain I was making Susannah have to experience in turn. "I think, this was how it was supposed to end. How it was meant to be for us all along," Dropping the hand I still held between us, I let it wind around her waist. Before I removed my other from her face and wrapped it around her shoulders. Letting me pull her into my arms and my hold. She came without hindrance or resistance. Fitting to me perfectly. Her body moulding to mine, as if we we carved from the same soul.

I ducked my head to her bare shoulder. Relishing in the feel of her arms wrapped around my waist, with her hands clutching onto my shirt in tight fists. Her silent tears soaking my shirt, with her face pressed to my chest. Her slim form shaking slightly with the power of her sobs. Making me hold her that much tighter to me. "But I don't regret any of it, _querida_," I breathed into her soft skin. Pressing a light kiss to her shoulder, before I lifted my head to rest against her hair. Letting her ride out the waves of pain, I could feel vibrating off of her.

"Neither do I," She surprised me in saying in return. Her voice was so quiet, I almost thought I imagined it. But when she pulled away from me, to look up into my eyes, her own coated in tears that continued to stream down her flushed and ethereal face; I saw a look of understanding there, lying beneath the heartache that was at the moment, holding her in it's grip.

_Girl we're star-crossed and can't escape  
We're condemned and can only wait  
At this time now it's far too late  
The poison's in our veins  
It's true  
You know that I'd die for you  
You know that I'd die for you  
You know that I'd die for you_

Looking down into Susannah's eyes, her intentions clear as her gaze darted to my lips and back again; I removed my arm from her shoulders and slid my hand around the back of Susannah's neck. I slowly let my fingers climb in to her thick wavy hair, and drew her to me. She tipped her chin up, meeting my kiss halfway. Allowing my lips to cover her own and to share one of the most breathtaking, soul shattering moments, I could of ever imagined. Finally giving into my desire to show Susannah how special and loved she is to me. Losing myself in the sparks of light behind my closed eyes as in my mind, as I sank deeper into the moment.

I wanted to give her the promises I could only dream of telling her before. Hoping that one-day, I would finally be allowed to fulfill them. I absorbed my senses in the tender and sweet kiss. The taste of Susannah's tears on her lips, made me increase the pressure and the need to soothe her and myself. Mentally sighing as I felt her hands leave my waist, to travel up and around the back of my neck. Her deft fingers playing with the thick curls, laying in wait there. Her hands tickling my skin and causing me to pour more into the moment, than I already had.

Making it count and to never be forgotten, for either of us.

Eventually, we slowed our assault at trying to memorise each and every detail of each other, and broke apart. Both panting for a breath and air, neither needed. Susannah's lips were swollen and red from my loving caress. Making me leave one last lingering touch there. One last trace of myself on her heart and her memories. Capturing one of Susannah's hands as they slid away from my neck and fell to land on my chest as she gazed up at me. The emotional barrier she had been so careful to keep in control all this time, was inching closer and closer to betraying her.

I knew my time here with Susannah was running out.

I couldn't bare to let the moment end, without saying the last thing, anchoring me to this existence. With one arm held around her waist and the other holding her hand between us; I leaned forward to breathe a promise into Susannah's ear to last forever. "Know that I love you, _querida,_" I whispered, feeling her shiver in my hold. She dropped her head to rest on my chest in response. Nodding against me as more tears dropped to my shirt. Her fingers digging into the palm of my hand as she fought to make me stay a little longer.

But we both knew it wasn't to last. We both knew that this was it. That our short time together, had come to an end. And there was nothing left for us. But for that final declaration and moment.

With one last burst of will, I let Susannah pull away from me. Taking a step back as her eyes raised to meet my own. Releasing her hand, her arms fell to wrap around her torso. And to keep the pain at bay for a short time longer. Using one last chance I had of my power as I spirit, I reached out and let my fingers softly stroke down her cheek. Sending her a silent message with my thoughts, for Susannah and myself.

"_We will meet again, one-day._" Closing her eyes, Susannah nodded to me in acknowledgement of my words. Leaving me with the last memory of her emerald eyes, the window to her soul and love. Her hand reaching up and letting her fingers linger on my own as they fell from her face. Our hands dropped away between us. That last connection severed and cut.

"Goodbye, _querida_," I spoke one last time.

Before I could back out, I turned around and walked back in the direction I came from. Willing myself not to turn around and see Susannah one last time. Knowing I would never be able to hold back if I did such a thing. That this was what had to be done. What was meant to be said and how it was supposed to end for us. I got to be with Susannah for a short time. I could do nothing but walk away, with that clear in my mind and ready in my soul.

With each step I took, the knowledge of the love I had just walked away from, seeped through the tears that fell unbidden from my eyes. Dropping to my shirt, mingling with the tears Susannah had shed herself. The stars shined back at me in the trails of my love, promising that statement I made to Susannah and myself, _'Oneday.'_

_Forever true  
I'll see you through_

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_**A/N 2:**_ Yea, I know. Crazy right **:P **Anyway, thank you so much for reading, please review and tell me how nuts I am, for not giving them a happy ending, hehe! Peace out!

Song is '_Starcrossed_', by '_Ash_'

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